Shit! I must confess to you. Yep, I caved and ate sweets. I am so ashamed of my weakness. It all began with graduation. My daughter-in-law’s. Yeah to her for graduating. I am so proud of her. Now, if she can find a job.
But, I digress. I bought her this lovely three section carrot cake for graduation. It is her favorite, mine is chocolate as you might or might not remember. The cake looked lovely, had a cap and diploma on it, lots of chocolate bits, and huge dark blackberries. It was a work of art and she loved it, and I guess I did too because I ate three pieces. Oh, not in front of everyone. I had only one piece ” because it was such a special day” and I could eat a piece, right. Wrong!
After her and my son left to go party in her honor, I ate two more pieces, both pieces of the grand daughters that they didn’t finish because they like chocolate best too.
I don’t even like carrot cake, and I never liked nuts in anything. The cake was delicious which led me to eat a candy bar from the vending machine the next day, a cookie from the nourishment room at work, ten little twixs, about twenty rolos out of that candy dish, and a handful of m&ms with nuts. What is wrong with me?
To be totally honest here, at least to you and myself, I hid while I ate these nasty treats so no one would see me caving again. I threw away all the candy wrappers in the big trash bin so no one would see them in my trash can. Aren’t I shameful. I am a disgusting mess. None of it even tasted that great, none of it was delicious, and none of it made me feel good. I just felt bad because I was trying to hide from myself, and everyone else.
Now, some of you might be disgusted that I am being so petty, I mean sweets when others are really struggling with real addictions. But I tell you I still feel shameful because I can’t give it up. I feel just like any other addict who says they are going to quit and don’t. The feelings of failure are still there.
All I can do or say is that I am going to start again. Yes I will start over today and try to not eat any crap! I guess that is all I can do, right, start over. After all the first step is the beginning so here I go.
I hope that if you are struggling with any issues that you talk to someone even if it is just the ” clouds” in the world wide web. Let it out, and then start again. We can always say thank you for another day to get it right. And I am thankful. There was a time when I was sure I wouldn’t be here much longer. That was twelve years ago.
So for today be kind to yourself, I am going to forgive myself, and we can start over together, today. By the way it is dam cold here right now. We went from forty one degrees to one degrees in the same week. It was shocking to say the least. I hope that you all are doing well, staying warm, or perhaps staying cool if you are suffering from the heat, and I want to wish you a great day………